Hello Tumblr, I really wanted to give you a decent Christmas gift tonight and I was wracking my brain trying to figure out what I could possibly do, and then it hit me: make an unnecessarily long post about my dog Blue.
You see, my dog Blue is no ordinary dog. She’s a dachshund. But not full dachshund, no, that’s what the pound told us, but after careful observation and science, I have figured out that she is actually part dachshund, part reptile (most likely velociraptor), part heat-seeking missile. She is probably an escaped top-secret government experiment.
It was a dark and stormy night when we obtained her. Actually it was an overcast morning with light showers, but whatever. My dad was watching the local news and they were doing their “Pet of the Week” segment where they highlight a dog in the local pound. And, lo and behold, there she was. My dad, who hates our other dachshund Max, jokingly said “If you can get that dog, we can have another dog.” And so as soon he decided to take a nap, my mom, my sister and I hightailed it out of the house and waited outside the pound in the rain until it opened.
I should’ve known then that she was… different. All the other dogs were going crazy at just the sight of us walking past their kennels, but Blue barely acknowledged us. We didn’t care. In no time at all, the paperwork was filled out and our new dachshund was in our arms on our way home.
My dad was less than thrilled to find out that we had actually succeeded in getting the dog from the TV, but there was nothing he could do about it. So we named her Blue because we got her “out of the blue”. (Also her coloring is apparently called “blue merle” so there’s that.)
We were really excited to get a cute little girl dog to match our cute little boy dog. We even got her a heart shaped dog tag that said “Diva” on it and a pink sweater. She seemed to love our other dachshund Max and he tolerated her. Everything was perfect.
And then we started to notice… she was kind of… different. Something about her eyes. They were too far apart or something but either way they just looked SOULLESS. And the way she shows affection (I guess that’s what it is) is odd too. When you’re least expecting it, perhaps doing homework or sleeping, she’ll run at you with all the speed her little doggy legs can muster and HEADBUTT YOU and then proceed to press and smear her head into your face, tail wagging all the while. If anyone out there is looking for cheap and effective cosmetic face surgery, look no further, as Blue is able to rearrange the features of your very skull.
Almost everything she does is unflattering. When you pet her, she stretches her neck out and squints and pulls the edges of her mouth back and writhes around. Sometimes if you scratch her neck in just the right spot, she will reward you with a few seconds of coughing and hacking. When she stretches, she’ll stretch first so that her butt is up in the air, and then shift so her upper body is stretching up and her little tiny back legs are sprawled out behind her, and then she’ll drag her little feet behind her and shift into a sitting position, and then sneeze and walk away. Unlike most dogs who greet you at the door, whenever someone comes home she gets excited and runs outside and then forgets what she was doing. She has no concept of “other people’s feelings” and will steal someone’s spot on the couch whenever possible, earning her the name “Spot Stealer” and the catchphrase “Spot Stealer, Stealing Spots”. Sometimes she doesn’t even wait for the spot to be open, she will just climb onto Max and bully him off the couch. She does not bark; she screeches. Her voice is akin to that of a banshee combined with an injured hog. She walks not with a jolly dachshund waddle, but rather with a distorted ungraceful limp we like to call her “swagger”. After a few months of owning her, it was clear she was not the cute little girl dog we thought she was. We had to accept the facts… she was… ugly.
But all of that was bearable. Almost endearing. Until one day, she took her lack of beauty and manners a little too far.
She killed a squirrel.
We don’t know how it happened but it did. One second everything’s normal, the next we hear her familiar squealing outside and find her attacking a squirrel. She won, and even had a neat-o battle scar on her nose.
My dad was more proud of that dog that day than he’s ever been of me. He showered her with treats and even requested we get her a bowl of ice cream until we explained to him that ice cream would probably kill her.
Since then, she’s murdered numerous other small creatures. One time she even coughed up a mouse. And in case that doesn’t sink in, here’s it rephrased to help you get the idea: She ate a mouse in such a fashion that you could tell what it was when she later coughed it back up inside of our house.
One time, she lured my sister outside where she then presented her with a mummified squirrel she had happened to find. My sister stood there screaming for about a minute, which Blue apparently interpreted as “Thank you, I like this gift.” because she just sat there wagging her tail.
Of course, the confines of our house are not enough to hold her in. Being the sneaky little devil she is, she often finds ways to crawl out from under our fence. But she always comes back. Most of the time we don’t even realize she’s missing until we hear her screeching at the front door. Then we just open it and she swaggers in all happy like she did nothing wrong.
We don’t worry about her too much, though, she’s tough as nails. Here’s an excerpt from the Wikipedia entry on foxtails:
"Especially in dogs and other domestic animals, the foxtails can become irreversibly lodged. Foxtails can also enter the nostrils and ear canals of many mammals. In all these cases, the foxtail can physically enter the body.
Muscular movements (or air flow, in the case of nostrils) can cause the foxtails to continue to burrow through soft tissues and organs, causing infection and physical disruption, which in some cases can result in death. Take your dog to the vet if it has a wound which may indicate a foxtail has entered its body.”
Yeah, one time, she got one of those things in her eye. And by some miracle, managed to get it out. Because of that, she is known to my dad as “The Dog Who Lived” aka “The Dog Who Saved Me Hundreds of Dollars in Vet Bills”.
And well, Tumblr, that’s my dog Blue. My Precious Blueberry. My Celestial Moon Goddess.
I hope you enjoy her as much as I do.